Thursday, July 29, 2010

What I realize now

When I was in a bad relationship and under the bondage of fear that kept me from walking away, I was defining my worth through the way others viewed or treated me. I was treated like the pan on the back burner that gets burned because no one thinks about it. And so I came to feel that way about myself. I struggled and worried and over-compensated to try and make everyone else happy. The result was I let all of my boundaries down and everyone took advantage. My self-worth kept slipping downwards and although I was a believer, I didn't believe in myself. I didn't believe my inherent worth which comes from a much higher power.

Through the need for self-preservation I finally left that relationship, got into therapy and began bible studies with some awesome women who were going through different but equally damaging situations. Through our studies I began to think differently of myself as God revealed himself to me. We read The Shack and were shown the person of the Holy Spirit. We studied the Holy Spirit and began to feel that special connection. Difficulties in our congregation arose and we became closer and branched out on our own...starting a house church and continually seeking God's will for us.

So, the realization is that we can loose the earthly things we are given if we don't hold onto them...but, what the Father has given we can never loose. It is ours, our inheritance, our birthright, that has been freely given through grace and mercy. Our worth is immeasurable because we are heirs to the greatest Kingdom of all. No one can devalue us but if we devalue ourselves we are not walking in faith. What an awesome thought...I may not be perfect but I am perfectly made and all the riches of my Father are mine - if that's not reason to celebrate and love life, I don't know what is.

What I used to think

Do you remember being given something as a kid and told "hold on to it", "grab it"..."hold on or you'll loose it"? You can have something handed to you, but if you don't grab hold, hold it tight, it can slip through your fingers and be gone forever. Have you ever carried a small child or an animal and stopped holding on to them? Even the animal will scramble, dig its claws in...anything to keep from slipping and's a natural response to hold on.

Love can be like can be handed to you, yours for the taking....but if you don't hold on to it, clench it in your fist, it can slip through your fingers....fall out of your grasp. Maybe it will fall and break into a million pieces that can't be put together again. Maybe it will fall and a big chip will be taken out and it will never be the same, or maybe it will be like sand and it will slowly sift away until there is nothing left.

People can be like the small animal or the child, digging their claws in, desperately holding on so they're not dropped, so they don't fall into the nothingness.

But the bottom line is, if the one who has been given the item, the love, the child, does not choose to take hold, those things will eventually slip away and be lost.